Questions That Wound

And how to avoid them

“When are y’all going to have kids?”

My wife and I heard this question nearly every Sunday morning at church for seven years. We got married a month after graduating college and were in no rush to have kids. We needed to get settled into adult life first. As the years went on, the question came more often and in stronger terms. I’m sure the question wasn’t meant to be menacing. I’m guessing it was an attempt at small talk and an expression of cultural expectation. But it was getting old. I imagined replying with some attitude, “We’ll have a kid whenever we want to and believe it or not your opinion won’t impact our decision.” Once we started trying to have kids, the question went from annoying to hurtful. A few months after our first daughter was born, we began to hear, “When are you going to have your second kid?”

I love asking questions. It’s how we learn about others. It’s how we grow in understanding. But there are good questions, there are bad questions, and there are questions that wound.

A Few Tips for Avoiding Wounding Questions

In previous posts I’ve shared about how listening well communicates love to the person we’re talking to. Listening poorly can communicate the opposite. Here are a few tips for avoiding wounding questions:

• Think about your relationship to the person. Ask yourself if this is an appropriate question to ask them. Is it overly personal? Could it come across as judgmental? If our closest friends asked us what we were thinking about having kids it would have landed totally different. There’s a safety in talking about something personal with your close friends.

• Think about the context of the question. One reason the having kids question felt so inappropriate to us was that it was dropped in the context of small talk in the church foyer. Talking to an acquaintance in the foyer is a good time to ask a general open-ended question like, “How have you all been this week?” If you want to ask deeper questions, you’ll need to invest relationally into that person first. Asking our thoughts on having kids over a dinner where we’re getting to know each other would have felt far more appropriate.

• Think about the potential emotions tied to a particular question. There are so many couples struggling with fertility issues. Imagine how the having kids question lands with them. Asking someone who is unemployed about their job search is another example. Asking a single person about their dating life is another.

• Think about if asking the question is necessary. Are you asking the question to get to know someone better? Or are you nosy? Or are you trying to prove a point? You’re not as sneaky as you think you are. Your intentions will come through.

• Ask open-ended questions that start with the word “what.” This is something I’ve written about before. A closed-ended question can be answered with the word yes or no. They are often leading questions and should be avoided. Instead ask an open-ended question that requires someone to share more. Questions that start with “why” or “when” can come across as judgmental even if they are not meant to. The word “what” will feel less judgmental and will form an open-ended question.

• If you’re asking a personal question, consider explaining why and giving people an out. If you have a question that feels necessary but might stir up emotions, consider saying something like: “Would you like to talk about your job search?” or “As a part of our listening process at First United Methodist we’re asking a series of questions to better understand our neighbors. Feel free to say ‘pass’ if there’s a question you would rather not answer.”

Asking good questions takes practice. You’ll make mistakes. I know I have. When you make a mistake, apologize, communicate your care for the person you’re talking to, and figure out how to avoid making the same mistake again. You’ll never be perfect, but you can avoid most wounding questions by being thoughtful and reflective as you get to know others.

Is there a question that’s been wounding to you that you’d be willing to share so others can be more aware? Drop it in the comments below.